Lawrence Crock - A Better Father than You
by Pachowable
Summary: *except if you try. This is a compiled list (with footnotes) of him trying to be a father.


**A/N - Crusher is a way better father than y'all.**

**Case A.) Unable to feed daughter after many failed attempts.**

Lawrence was staring down his daughter. It has been five hours since Paula left for her mission with the Shadows and Artemis has yet to eat a single thing-not to mention he lost Jade four hours ago.

Lawrence is a good father¹ and can handle this.

"Baby Girl, I understand you're upset 'bout Paula not letting you go, but you gotta eat. Dying ain't gonna teach her anything."

Talking apparently did nothing for Artemis. She sat there with her baby fat cheeks like a determined hippy not moving for a goddamn tree and Lawrence was tired of her little tough girl act. She was _two._ She shouldn't already be able to tell him off² but she sat there with her arms crossed, not even _glancing_ at the hot dog he put on her plate.

He didn't even microwave the hot dog this time—he put in the effort to cook on the stove and she ignored it like it was some of the baby crap that Paula spoon feeds her.

She wouldn't eat the cheese—that he _cubed_—she refused to eat the grapes—he fucking cut them in half cause he thought they were to big but she just threw them off like the rest—he even gave her a quality _chocolate bar_.³

Artemis just looked at the food like it was an _insult_ and either threw it off of her high chair or said a very indignant _no._

This was his two-year-old daughter and he couldn't even convince her to eat food—_what has his life come to_?

"No graps—airsplane with mama."

"No airsplane. No mamas. Eat the grapes."

"No Daddy. No graps. Airsplane."

"After you eat, we will get on an airsplane."⁴

Lawrence didn't know what to do. His daughter was probably dying of starvation, his other daughter was probably dead—eh, he doesn't really care that much about Jade as long as Artemis is okay.

And Artemis was not okay. She was _dying._

"Okay, hear now, baby girl. I made you a quality hot dog and you threw it on the ground. I don't like that behavior. It costs me time and money. You are going to eat this hot dog or you are going to bed right now." It was a last ditch effort but it seemed like it finally seemed to sink in that this was a life or death scenario.

She finally picked up a grape⁵ with her grubby hands. Stared at it like it was one of her Barbie heads that Jade had ripped off and crushed it—nearly squirting juice in Lawrence's eye.

"Goddamnit, you got juice in my eye! That's it, I'm calling Mama."

That seemed to do the trick, "No tattling, Daddy! Don't tell Mama!"

"Too late! I'm calling Mama!" Lawrence ignored the grapes that were being thrown at his back and dialed for Paula. "Paula?" he answered when the phone finally clicked. "_What do you want, Lawrence? I'm busy_."

"Artemis won't eat her food."

"_Are you ser-just cut it up and give her a toothpick._"

"I'm not giving her one of my toothpicks."

"_Lawrence_."

"Fine, but if she doesn't eat, it will be your fault that we have a dead daughter on our hands."

"Whatever, love you."

"Love you too, babe."

He turned around and Artemis was near tears, "You can't tell Mama!" she cried out.

"I can and I _did_ tell Mama."

She slapped her hands to her face and covered her entire face in juice⁶, "_No_!"

Lawrence shuffled through the cabinet and finally found his secret stash of toothpicks and grabbed a knife. He returned to his sobbing daughter and started to cut up the hot dog.

It took Artemis three seconds before she realized what Lawrence was doing and started trying to grab at the toothpick in his hand. He gave it too her and she immediately stabbed the chunk of hot dog and shoved it in her mouth.

Yeah. Not so bad of a Dad after all.⁷

¹ He once bought Artemis an ice cream cone-and it wasn't just to shut her up

² She actually was very capable of telling Lawrence off as proof by the fact when he tried to play Barbie's with her that she actually kicked him out of the room because _"Ken wear skirt not Barbie"_

³ It was a very cheap chocolate bar that came from a gas station in Milwaukee and wasn't even real chocolate and the only person to ever enjoy one of those things was in fact Lawrence

⁴ No matter what Lawrence may say otherwise, he does not have an airplane readily accessible for him and Artemis—no matter how much Artemis wished that he did, and this would cause much trauma to Artemis later in life

⁵ Artemis is extremely allergic to grapes and if ingested, she will break out in hives

⁶ Or maybe it was strawberries

⁷ That is till next morning when she won't eat again because he gave her cereal without her cow spoon

**Case B.) Unable to communicate with children**

Lawrence doesn't understand why kids can't speak properly. Yes. Paula has explained to him that they're "parroting" what adults say, but doesn't get it. If they're just copying whatever the crap adults say then they should be fine. Lawrence speaks correctly so why don't they?

"Repeat it again, Artemis."

"_Hodge you_."¹

"No. It's _hold me_. Do you really want to hold me?"

"_No_. Hodge you."²

Lawrence groaned, "What the fuck does hodge mean? Say _hold me_ not _hodge you-_it makes you sound stupid and I don't have any stupid daughters, isn't that right Jade?"

"Shut up, Dad, and just hold your fucking daughter."

Artemis once again tried and held her arms up so Lawrence could lift her up, but Lawrence refused. "Hodge you, Daddy. Hodge you!"³

"Not until you say it right."

"Hodg-Hold you."⁴

"Good enough, baby girl! Come on up!" he lifted her up and Artemis giggled slapping her hands on his chest a couple times, "Love you, love you!"

¹ _Hold me_

²_ Seriously, Dad, hold me_

³ _I just want to be held, goddamnit_

⁴ _Where is mom, I'm done with your crap_

**Case C.) Doesn't understand that not all kids are cut out for sports**

"Dad, you're going to kill her."

"Shut up, Jade, go play with the dog."¹

"I'm telling Mom if you break her."

Lawrence handed his younger daughter the baseball bat that was way too big for her considering she is four years old and that the bat is Lawrence's and he is a grown man-actually, he's bigger than a grown man.

He doesn't see the problem that this is going to cause.²

"Okay, so Artemis, today you're going to learn how to play baseball."

Artemis tried to lift up the baseball bat, but couldn't even get it off the ground, "Um, Daddy, don't kids start with T-Ball first?"

"No, T-Ball's for pussies. You know Mr. Wayne and his kid play T-Ball?"

"Yeah."

"Did you know that Mr. Wayne is the _coach _of the T-Ball team?"

"No."

"Well he is and I don't want you anywhere near him."³

He stepped away from his daughter and backed up till he was a good enough distance away. "Are you ready, baby girl?" Artemis attempted to lift up the bat again, but failed, again. "Now, I'm going to throw the ball and you're going to hit it, 'kay?"⁴

"But, Dad-"

"No buts."

Unfortunately, the combination of Artemis not being able to lift up the bat and not wanting to let her Dad down combined into a horrible mess that made her fall into the pitch and black out. When she came to, Lawrence was hiding her behind a couple of bushes. Figures.

"Dad, what-"

"Sh. We can't let Jade see you."

"Can I join T-Ball?"

¹ The dog that he is referring to is not actually _their _dog, it'some rich kid's dog; Artemis accidentally stole it and now Jade is keeping it waiting for the reward to go up some more before she returns it

² He really doesn't, it's a wonder how Jade got past age six

³ Lawrence and Bruce Wayne have a really bad history that starts in the seventh grade with Lucy Tillermen and a pack of _lifesavers_ and ends in a couple of barfights

⁴ Risking daughter having concussion v. Jade telling Paula that he screwed up again

**Case D.) Airport security**

"Remember Lawrence, don't let Jade stay up past 8 otherwise she gets really testy in the morning. She'll make your life a living hell," Paula warned while waiting in line to get into the airplane. "And if the Shadows call, tell them I had to take public transportation because they're cheap assholes."

"'Kay, babe," he leaned in and kissed Paula once, "And don't worry about me and Jade. We'll be fine, right, little girl?"

Jade just huffed and dug her face into his shoulder. Paula smiled and kissed her daughter one last time, "Don't give Daddy too hard of a time."

They were nearly out of the airport when Jade started screaming-and by screaming, Lawrence meant full on bloody screaming like he had broken her arm or something-he doesn't know that from experience, he's just estimating. He swears.

Lawrence was not prepared for this.¹

People around him all started looking at him,_ judging him _like he was the one screaming.

"_You can't take me away from my mom!"_ she screamed and well fuck. Lawrence may not understand a lot of things but he understood that that being said in a public place was a death sentence.

Good thing he at least looked like Jade.²

"_I want my mom! Give me back to my mom!"_

Some airport security approached him, "Sir, we may need to take you in for questioning."

"Why this is obviously my daughter!"

"Uh, sir, we still need to quest-"

"Don't you see the resemblance?"³

"_Give me back to my mom!_"

"Sir, we ask you to calm down or we may be forced to restrain you."

"This is _my_ daughter and I don't have to do anything except leave! I haven't done anything wrong this time!"

Lawrence may have gotten tazed after that.⁴

¹ He's never prepared for Jade

² He doesn't look like Jade

³ He doesn't

⁴ He also lost Jade, but you know, _priorities_


End file.
